The Guilt of Living When Your Parent is Dying

Growing up is awkward and weird. There is literally a point where you go to bed a child and wake up to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, as if that’s something a 16-year-old (deep in the throes of puberty) has the answer to. When your parent is ill, those changes aren’t just about getting older—they come with an entirely different weight.

For me, the things that were supposed to matter—exams, shoes, drama, nights out— didn’t feel like they should. I constantly felt like I should be focusing on the bigger picture, the real problems. However, I DID care about those things, and when I did, I felt guilty. The kind of guilt that made me second-guess whether I was allowed to just be ‘normal’ when mum was stuck carrying something so heavy.

I don’t think I ever said it out loud, but I spent a lot of time wondering: Am I being selfish?

Turns out, I wasn’t, and the feeling isn’t uncommon.

1. The Weight of Feeling Like Your Problems Don’t Matter

There were plenty of times when I didn’t say what was on my mind because it felt stupid compared to what my mum was going through. She was exhausted from treatment, and I was worried about something as ridiculous as my hair or a falling out with a mate. How do you justify bringing that up?

A 2018 study published in Palliative & Supportive Care found that young people with an ill parent often suppress their emotions, not because they don’t feel them, but because they don’t want to add to the burden. I get it. It’s easier to say, I’m fine, than to sit with the idea that your problems might not be the most important thing happening in your house.

But what I learned later is this: ignoring your own feelings doesn’t make them disappear—it just means you deal with them badly, somewhere else down the line.

2. The Guilt of Moving Forward

Growing, changing, and moving forward while your parent is standing still can feel strange and weird.

For me, it was the little things—making plans while my mum had hospital appointments, keeping busy when she was too exhausted to get out of bed, being out with my friends and forgetting, even for a second, that she was sick.

A Young Lives vs Cancer report describes this exact feeling: the idea that enjoying life feels like a betrayal. It’s this unspoken pressure that tells you if your parent is suffering, you shouldn’t be out there living a normal life. But that’s not how it works. You don’t stop being young just because life throws something unfair at you.

And the truth is, I know my mum would have wanted me to live my life.

3. The Pressure to Make the Right Choices

There’s a cliche that, when you grow up with trauma, you automatically become “mature beyond your years.” I used to take that as a compliment, but looking back, I don’t think it always was. What it really meant was that I felt like I didn’t have room to make mistakes.

Every choice—what I studied, what career I wanted, how I spent my time—felt like it had to be justified. My mum was going through all this, so the least I could do was make sure I wasn’t wasting the opportunities I had, right? 

A University of Nottingham study found that young people with ill parents often feel an increased sense of responsibility about their future, like they’re carrying their parent’s hopes as well as their own. I see that in so many people who’ve gone through something similar. The pressure to get everything right, to not waste time, to make it count.

But no one makes perfect choices at 16. Or 21. Or even 25. I definitely didn’t, and no one  should have to.

4. Moving Forward Without the Guilt

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. If you’re in the middle of it right now, this is what I wish someone had told me sooner:

•Your problems are still problems. It’s okay to care about things that aren’t life-or-death.

•You’re not betraying anyone by being happy. Life doesn’t pause because of illness, and that’s not a bad thing.

•You don’t have to have everything figured out. You don’t owe anyone a perfect plan. Just give yourself space to figure it out.

There’s no right way to grow up in these circumstances. You’ll question things, you’ll feel guilty sometimes, and you’ll probably put unnecessary pressure on yourself. But, you also have a life to live and I promise, that’s not something you should ever feel bad about.

Final Thoughts

No one tells you how to navigate growing up with an ill parent. There’s no rulebook for how to balance responsibility with just being young. But if you take one thing from this, let it be this: you are allowed to move forward. And you don’t have to feel guilty for it.