Big Dates When a Parent is Ill: How to Handle Birthdays, Anniversaries, and Everything In Between

It’s been a busy week for me because I turned 26 on Monday and I’ve been trying to balance the ratio of celebratory outings and existential meltdowns. Birthdays should be simple—an excuse for a bit too much cake, maybe a trip to the pub, a handful of messages from people you haven’t spoken to in years. But when a parent is ill, big dates stop feeling simple. They take on extra weight. They become reminders of time passing, of what’s changing, of the things that illness has touched.

It’s not just birthdays, either. Anniversaries, Christmas, family traditions—these days can all feel different when someone you love is ill. The way you mark them changes, the emotions around them shift, and sometimes, you don’t know whether to celebrate or just get through it as quickly as possible.

There’s no right way to handle big dates when a parent is unwell, but here’s what I’ve learned about getting through them.

1. Birthdays Stop Feeling Like They’re Just Yours

A birthday is meant to be about you, right? But when your parent is ill, the focus shifts. Your birthday becomes another marker of time, a reminder of what’s changed since last year. You think about where you were twelve months ago, what life looked like, whether things felt easier or harder back then.

For me, birthdays started to feel like a strange mix of celebration and guilt. On the one hand, you’re still here, still living, still growing older. On the other, your parent is sick, and that fact doesn’t disappear just because it’s your “special day.” It’s like holding two conflicting emotions at once—gratefulness and sadness, joy and anxiety.

If you feel this way, know that it’s okay. You don’t have to force happiness just because there are candles on a cake. You’re allowed to feel however you feel, even if that means birthdays aren’t quite as carefree as they used to be.

2. Anniversaries and Traditions Feel Different

Every family has its traditions—the little rituals that make birthdays or special occasions feel like yours. Maybe it’s the way you always have a certain meal, or the fact that your mum always bought you a ridiculous card, or how you’d go to the same place every year for a birthday party.

When illness enters the picture, those traditions shift. Maybe your parent isn’t well enough to celebrate in the way they used to. Maybe the focus of the day changes because so much else is taking priority. And that’s hard. It makes the day feel unfamiliar, like you’re supposed to be celebrating, but something’s missing.

One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to adapt the traditions instead of abandoning them completely. If the usual plans aren’t possible, find a new way to mark the day that still feels like you. If going out for dinner isn’t an option, order from your favourite place and eat together at home. If birthdays always involved a trip somewhere, find a smaller, more manageable version of it.

It won’t be the same, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to force things to be how they were, but to find a way to still acknowledge the day in a way that works for where life is right now.

3. The Lead-Up Can Be Worse Than the Day Itself

Anticipation is a strange thing. Sometimes, the days leading up to a big date are worse than the actual day itself. You think about how it’s supposed to feel, how it used to feel, how it might feel now. You overthink what the day is going to be like, and by the time it actually arrives, you’re exhausted from thinking about it.

If this happens to you, try to take the pressure off. Instead of thinking of the day as something you have to “get through,” break it down into smaller moments. What would make one part of the day feel okay? Maybe it’s a quiet morning to yourself, or time with family, or making space to acknowledge the day in whatever way feels right.

The weight of expectation is often heavier than the day itself. Let yourself take it one moment at a time.

4. The Best Thing You Can Do is Make It Yours

There’s no rulebook for how to handle big dates when a parent is ill. Some people find comfort in celebrating as normally as possible. Others keep things low-key. Some want to be surrounded by people, while others would rather be alone. None of these choices are wrong.

What matters is making the day yours. Not what you feel like you “should” do. Not what makes sense to everyone else. Just what works for you.

For me, birthdays aren’t just about the age I’m turning anymore. They’re about reflecting on the past year—what’s changed, what’s stayed the same, what I’m grateful for, and what’s been difficult. They’re about marking the day in a way that feels right for where I am now.

5. If You’re Finding It Hard, You’re Not Alone

If you’re reading this and feeling like birthdays or anniversaries are more complicated than they should be, you’re not the only one. It’s a strange thing, trying to balance celebration with the reality of illness. Some years will feel heavier than others. Some will surprise you by feeling easier.

And that’s okay.

Whatever you’re feeling is valid, whether it’s joy, sadness, frustration, relief, or a mix of all of them. However you choose to handle big dates, there’s no wrong way to do it.

So if you’ve got a big day coming up and it feels complicated, be kind to yourself. Take the pressure off. Make space for the emotions, whatever they are. And most importantly, remind yourself that you don’t have to figure it all out—you just have to get through it in the way that works for you.

Final Thoughts

When a parent is ill, birthdays, anniversaries, and traditions don’t feel as simple as they used to. They come with extra weight, extra thoughts, extra emotions. And while that might not ever completely change, what can change is how you approach them.

You’re allowed to celebrate. You’re allowed to feel conflicted. You’re allowed to ignore the day completely if that’s what works for you.

Whatever you do, just make sure it’s yours.